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3 comments:
Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 10:58 AM
Subject: Don't Fall Asleep in Church
A man goes to the minister at his church. "Preacher, he said, we
have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's
very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?" "I've
noticed this and have an idea if you are up to the task," said the
minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping and I
will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg
with the hat pin. At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the minister put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried
out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are
correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the ministers quick reply. Mrs. Jones
then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones. "My God!' howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones againgave
her husband a real hard threatening glare.
Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the minister
did not notice.As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a
few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his
wife with the hat pin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted! , "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun
don't shine!"
And all the women in the congregation replied "Amen!"
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 7:16 AM
Subject: The Blonde's Year in Review
> THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW
>
>
> January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
>
> February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit
> into the typewriter.
>
> March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6
> months because the box said "2-4 years."
>
> April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
>
> May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
> little packets.
>
> June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with
> a slope.
>
> July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained
> to
> the judges that the other swimmers were using their
> arms.
>
> August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
> locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top
> was down.
>
> September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
>
> October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.
>
> November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour
> per pound and she weighed 120.
>
> December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
>
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 8:46 PM
Subject: Things You won't heat a Texas Say
(If you're not a Texan, just substitute some other state...)
Things You WON'T Hear A Texan Say . . .
~*~ Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
~*~I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
~*~Duct tape won't fix that.
~*~Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
~*~Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
~*~Hell no, we don't keep firearms in this house.
~*~Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
~*~You can't feed that to the dog.
~*~I thought Graceland was tacky.
~*~No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
~*~Wrasslin's fake.
~*~Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
~*~We're vegetarians.
~*~Do you think my gut is too big?
~*~I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
~*~Honey, we don't need another dog.
~*~Who's Richard Petty?
~*~Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
~*~Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
~*~Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
~*~I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
~*~Trim the fat off that thar steak.
~*~Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
~*~The tires on that truck are too big.
~*~I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
~*~I've got it all on the C drive.
~*~Unsweetened tea tastes better.
~*~Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
~*~My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
~*~I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
~*~Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
~*~Checkmate.
~*~She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
~*~Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
~*~Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
~*~I don't have a favorite college team.
~*~Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
~*~I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
~*~Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
~*~Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
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